Rapidus Quenianus

Rapidus Quenianus I -- what creature is this?

It was as though I had eaten something, and that something had multiplied in my stomach. Something biological, ricocheting at light speed between the walls of my gut and every residue of wonderful lost meals. Something luminous, dying if not released in the next 10 seconds, better 2 hours... 48 hours. [Pause]. I give this luminous being, within me, the name of Rapidus Quenianus. Rapidus, because it's quick, Quenianus, because the person who helped create it is moving to Kenya in a few weeks. For the first time in my life I will try to define it. This 'being' in love.

Rapidus Quenianus, was created in the alchemy of gaze [light exchanged between two people] and word [words as language, the building blocks for the meaning we attribute to everything around us]. Light mingled with words. Again, words as structure for that which cannot be defined. And light, the light reflected and projected from one's gaze.

The creature has been named -- and according to my friend and confidant Kalaf -- it will die.
Rapidus Quenianus will expand for a while, ricocheting on its light beam. If under exposed it will fade with time. I question whether it could mutate into something else, like friendship. I am unsure about the nature of the Rapidus.
(...)
The nature of my communication with Rapidus Quenianus is ambiguous. I cannot communicate with it in order for the ricochet to cease [Light beam]. It knows no aristotelic reason. It feeds only out of the sublime.
(...)
Rapidus Quenianus is in me. She put it there, and all it took was a gaze and a few words. For the first time I am fully aware of the creature. Aware enough to try and define it, to try and analyze it, after all she is going away in 24 days. Should I not search for a simple way of letting her know? Of exposing rapidus? I should, I must.
(...)
Does she share the creature? Is it just me? If Rapidus Quenianus is the product of two individuals, then exposing it is sheding light and words upon it. And being Rapidus Quenianus composed of exaccly those two parts -- I'm sure I can photograph it, because once exposed it will be revealed when the light from her eyes touches my eyes and vice versa. All this at the same time that it struggles to build meaning and sense. Oh I really want to capture the moment where and when I let the creature out, when I tell her I am in love with her.
(...)
It is time for confrontation: time for intimacy. Time to expose the creature to her.

The scenario devised for capturing the creature must manipulate time in a very precise manner. It must be neutral, like a hotel room. I talked to a photographer, Diana, a friend of V. and we agreed on a hotel room and Diana would convince V. to come along for a model photo shoot...

I know beforehand, that from the moment in which the creature is out, everything will change in that room. Whatever happens we won't be able to look at each other the same way again. Diana will be there to photograph, but she also knows that there are certain objects which cannot be photographed -- the mere presence of light destroys them. Is the Rapidus one of those? Can it be photographed?

I, just like Diana am worried about V. How to protect V. It's not an ordinary photo session, although we are saying it is. I know, I'm going to buy a rubber boat and inflate it in the room, on the bed. It will protect her from the conversation that fills up the room really fast. Words, the construction of meaning. Maybe no creature can survive this, but at least V. will be safe in the boat.

Rapidus Quenianus II -- in the room

I had convinced Diana to tell V. to come along for a simple photo shoot. V. agreed. Kalaf was also coming, I had told him about the rapidus and he wanted to be there to witness it being photographed. Kalaf was playing his records on a corner of the room.
(...)
I sat on a chair by the bed whilst V. was in the boat. I looked into her eyes and told her what I felt.
The creature does not perish easily. For a few moments, in the hotel room it leaped out using my words and eyes. For a moment I thought it beautiful as my eyes touched hers. The room filled with light and I was so happy. My rapidus was exposed, but the situation devised for creature exposure soon became unbearable, and I should've known better.

That evening I wrote this letter.

What a selfish thing to do, I left you all alone.
There are so many beautiful ways of portraying the creature. I chose the worst. I thought only of me and not of you. Intimacy is best captured with simple gestures and gazes between two, and laughs. There is no need for boats or strange hotel rooms. I hope not to have destroyed the innocent nature of your smile and gaze with this stupid "butterfly hunting scheme". Next time, if in the possibility of a next time, I will choose not to choose, a time, or a fancy place to experiment with my feelings, with some one else's feelings. There are creatures which cannot be captured, one must harness their energy as though riding a beam of light, and keep it simple. As simple as a whisper, or a kiss or a gesture.
Know then, that had it been me in that boat I would also have been unconfortable. Know now that I have put myself in that boat many times since, so as to allow you to swimm freely. I can tell you it feels shitty in that boat, with everyone staring at you, as though you've done something wrong. Well I have, and for the simple things I had no courage to say, I apologize. What a weird strange thing to say, now that I am in the boat, and the storm I have created falls upon me. It is a storm of questions I ask myself, and they all come down to one: Why did I not ask you out for a boatless meal? with a magnificent view of Lisbon City, and in doing so, take the moment to smile, eat and drink and talk, like someone who has a light being within. A reckless light being.

k
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Rapidus Quenianus III -- the aftermath

There is no possibility we can meet again. However the creature has not died in me. On the contrary, it has transformed itself into something wonderfully rare -- a storm.
In V. I understand it must have perished from the moment I did not walk her home after the photo session at the hotel. Or the days of silence following those intense moments(...) She, just like me, will go on to lead a perfectly normal life, full of rapidus, I hope. How she will react to those? I have no idea. I on the other hand, will know exactly what to do the next time a rapidus comes along, but somehow I have the feeling I will fuck it up.